dear ignorant student,
last night during my seminar you told me something that left a ringing in my ear i was so angry. last night you told me something that felt like you cut a whole in my heart, my soul, and left me there to bleed. if you had been to every other of my presentations, you would understand that the comment that you made -- specifically to me -- was utterly and totally unacceptable. you would know that even though it may be something simple for you to say, that you can come outside and have a cigarette with me and then act as though you were just talking to one of your other friends, that you should not be saying this to me. you should not be complaining about what you just complained to me.
when you say "i have such horrid cramps it's ridiculous. but, i took a tylenol so i think i'm ok now. so how was your weekend, how is your project going?" you have no idea what you said. i just nodded, speechless. you say horrid... you have no idea what horrid is. you have no idea what horrid means. for you, horrid is taking a tylenol and going about the rest of your day, without a second thought. you experienced 20 minutes of a cramp that for me would be a picnic, a relief that the pain isn't so bad that i can't function.
horrid for me is when i can't move. when literally from going from sitting up to laying down is difficult. where i contemplate whether or not it's worth it to go to the emergency room. where i'll pop 2 tylenol 3s with codeine and i'll still be in as much pain. where it's hard to breathe. where i can only think about the feeling that a fire poker is being jabbed into my body, that my ovaries are bursting and the pain radiates through my whole body. where i get a headache so bad i see spots and become dizzy. when my body feels like it's failing me, and the only thing i can do is to cry and just beg "please make it stop, please make it go away."
you do not fear your body like i do. you do not sit in class feeling the twinge of pain and suddenly stop breathing because you're scared that it's coming back, that it's going to get worse, and the fear that you have no control over it. you do not feel like your life's dreams have been diminished, are out of reach, are impossible because you don't know what will happen in the future. for you, you take a regular pain killer and it helps you. do you know what it's like when only a shot of morphine will take away the pain? or that your only hope is to take a drug that will just knock you out so you can't feel it anymore? you can complain about your pain because everyone experiences pain like you. when i tell you what it's like for me, people grab their abdomen and make a pinching face and say "ew... oh god that sounds awful." this is not comfort.
until you know what a real cramp is... don't say this to me. and don't expect my sympathy when you say this so half-heartedly, without realizing who you're saying it to.
your fellow student.... with endo.
i know. ohhhhh i know;) it's a relief to realize that you're not always alone in feeling like this -- of course i wish that NONE of us had to go through this though! but if we have to, at least we have each other, right? i'm sending you pain-free vibes... ready... and... GO! did you get them?? :)